Going back

So we took a trip to my college Alma mater this week. It was great. I kept telling the kids about all the crazy adventures that I had. I was less of a bad crazy and more of a I could get killed doing this crazy. So I told them about rock climbing and rafting the river in a little canoe. Taking crazy camping trips, all the usual activities that we do when you live inches from one of the most beautiful canyons. We were having a grand time, which gave me time to think. The kids played in the river and laughed while I sat on the bank and thought about going back. It made me wonder if you can ever go back to the person you were before. That person before husbands and kids, the carpool, lunches and dinners, and a 10:00 bedtime. Can you really ever go back? Don't get me wrong, I think that there are somethings that I like better about myself now that I am a real grown up but I do miss that person that went camping with just a blanket, now we need a uhaul to get everything we need. I miss not fearing death or the pain that a fall or bump would cause. I miss being carefree. Part of our trip brought something else up. I thought why do I not call my old college buddies that still live here. Well, the answer to that was that it was not a particularly "cute" day for me. I had some great sparkly purple clips holding my bangs out of my eyes and I had not gotten sleep in a good four days. So you might say I was less than "cute" at the moment. Why did I care what I looked like. I mean these people went camping with me and saw me after days without a shower. But now somehow I feel the need to be cute before we hangout. Why as we get older and the waist line and bags under our eyes get bigger do we get so concerned about what our old buddies think. I thought as we got older those things were supposed to matter less and less to us. We as women not girls are supposed to laugh at those that put such efforts into vain avenues. But there I was refusing to call a good friend that just had a new baby because I was not having a great hair day. Which I guess leads me back to the beginning about not ever being able to go back. I figure as we get older we have to embraced where we are now and that includes those sleepless baggy eyes and extra baby weight that isn't going anywhere. This is my new goal, to be as secure with who I am now and who I think that I was then. To be able to run into people in my jammies and the kids a mess and not worry about what they must think happened to the me that they knew years ago. This is the me now and I am going to learn to love her too.